11 shocking things you didn’t know about beer! (It’s a parody, folks.)

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December 14, 2014 at 7:08 pm

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There are many sites on the interwebs that purport to tell you “shocking” things that “you didn’t know” about all sorts of things. They often start with semi-truths, and then extrapolate the hell out of them to get to silly, meaningless conclusions.

Here’s our version of one of those sites about my personal passion, beer.

Beer isn’t just a liquid. It’s also a gas. Most beer has carbon dioxide dissolved in it. Without the carbon dioxide, you couldn’t vigorously shake the beer bottle and then spray beer all over your unsuspecting friends. And by doing so, at the same time, you’ll be releasing CO2 into the atmosphere, contributing to global warming, which, if it really works, is much appreciated here during winter months.

You may be drinking a fungus. Many beers are filled with fungi. Not so much the highly-filtered macro brews, but many craft beers are chock full of saprophytic fungi. Ewwww. (Some people may call these saprophytic fungi “yeast.”)

Beer is a significant source of silicon. Dietary silicon from beer can help increase bone density. And, for decades, many eyeglasses were made from glass — which is made from silicon. So splashing a little beer on your spectacles may actually make them a little stronger. It’s certainly easy to accomplish late at night at your favorite bar.

Beer depletes the world’s supply of fresh water. Most beers are between 90% and 95% water. Many areas of the country — and the world — are experiencing drought. Cute little kids are dying. By not drinking that beer, you might actually save someone from perishing of dehydration. Of course, guys can return that water — somewhat processed — into the nearest urinal. I have no idea what women do.

Beer makes members of the opposite sex appear much more attractive. This is totally true. Note that for members of the LGBT community, use of the word “opposite” is optional.

Cans used for beer almost always have their insides coated with Bisphenol A (BPA). A 2010 report on BPA from the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) identified possible hazards to fetuses, infants, and young children from BPA. There’s absolutely no evidence that any more than negligible, harmless levels of BPA from cans actually get into your beer, but why risk it, especially when you’re serving beer to your fetuses, infants, and young children?

Beer is often sold in glass battles. Those bottles can occasionally shatter, especially if you hit them hard enough with a sledge hammer. Do you really want to risk dangerous, gut slitting glass shards in your belly by drinking beer?

The beer you drink today, you may not be able to drink tomorrow. That beer glass won’t refill itself. Especially with some of Chicagoland’s best craft breweries, you’ll find out they frequently make one-off versions of their excellent specialty beers. A few weeks later that special beer won’t ever be available again. We’re looking at you, Pipeworks.

Most heroin users tried beer before they tried heroin. Do you really want to become a heroin addict by consuming that next glass of beer?

You probably can’t drink as much beer as you’d like. When you go to your favorite taproom, you might walk out with a few growlers of beer. Most growlers contain approximately 1/2 gallon of beer. So, if it’s a Barley Wine or Imperial Stout, despite what you’d like, most doctors recommend you should limit yourself to less than four growlers per hour.

Beer may kill you. In one single undocumented study, men in their 80s and 90s who drank even a single glass of beer per day had a significantly higher 10-year mortality rate than children between 6 and 8 years of age, who didn’t drink any beer. So, if you value your life, don’t drink beer. (Note that coffee, milk, juices, water, and all other liquids also showed higher mortality rates among the 80 year old plus population who drank them, compared to 6 to 8 year olds. Thus, if you really want to live a long time, you should probably avoid consuming any liquids. And avoid solids, too.)

 

More of Tom’s musings on beer can be found here.

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